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Peace out 2019, no one likes you.

This is my new saying because this year was so damn shitty. It began with a decision to separate from the love of my life in hopes that we could both find healing and health. As he traveled out west to seek longer term treatment, I became a working single mom. My husband did the majority of parenting so this was a massive shift in my world. I did not think anything could be worse until I became a working, single, and grieving mom. 2019 was the year Scott died by suicide. While in healthy, lucid moments over the past 17 years, we discussed statistics and knew this was a real possibility, but I don't think either one of us ever thought it would ever be our reality.

But here we are. Here I am. Scott shows up in dreams, signs, smells, music, and angel numbers, but it is just me here on earth...holding the shit together. I would be lying if I told you that I don't get angry at him for leaving us. But I also know from our nearly 20 years together the consistency of the demons that tortured him. I know the power of his illness over his mind. I know the exhaustion he faced every single day fighting against both of these. I selfishly miss him. I miss him as my best friend, my confidant, my favorite conversationalist, comedian, travel partner, beer drinking partner, dinner companion, and co-parent to two wild beautiful souls.

For me 2019 was the worst of the worst. My worst fears became reality. I experienced loss and sadness in ways I never knew possible. I went through my husband's last earthly belongings and claimed his lifeless body. I felt loneliness deeper than ever before. I watched my children go through a loss no child should ever have to experience. I held them when they cried out to God asking why their dad was gone. So, I am not exaggerating when I say it sucked big time.

If you can't find any good in this past year--that is totally fine, don't. We need to stop looking for the silver lining in things because it isn't always there. We can't always tie up our stories in pretty little bows with some sort of lesson and deeper meaning so we/others can say the worst saying in the world, "everything happens for a reason."

Let's title this:

Things about 2019 that suck less.

1. I learned how to be there for someone when death of a loved one comes knocking on their door.

2. I finally work in a safe place with people who accept me and all of my life hardships. My work is still incredibly difficult, but the people make all the difference.

3. Many people showed their truth to me this year and I am glad. It makes space for others to be in my circle.

4. I learned how to ask for help. I learned how to pay for help. I accepted that there is no way I can do this alone.

5. I have taken risks and time for me, even when it may look selfish to the world, I know it is self care and that is all that matters.

6. I am writing, sharing my story without holding back, telling my truth, and blowing open my throat chakra.

7. I am not afraid. Nothing really scares me anymore. This is coming from a hypochondria, anxiety driven, worrier. Once the very worst happens, not much else seems scary.

8. I do not plan to lose weight. I am not starting any diets in the New Year. I drink my shakes, I fast/cleanse at least twice a month, I move my body, I sweat, I go to therapy, I take my medicine, and I really try to sleep (I have not mastered that one yet). I know what is good for my body and I do it as much as I can. I also know no matter how amazing it seems losing 10 or 20 pounds would be, it is not going to make me happier. It also isn't going to stay off without some serious deprivation and that is not the way I choose to live.

9. I care less about things that don't matter. I don't feel that I need to win the argument. I am okay to shrug my shoulders and walk away. Finally, I can say I don't involve myself in every fight because every fight isn't worth my energy.

10. The basics: I have two healthy children, a stable job, a beautiful home, a new reliable car, a healthy body, and people who have shown me great love this past year.

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